For the past few weeks, our news feeds and televisions have been flooded with advertisements reminding us of this day. These carefully curated marketing tactics have reminded spouses and children alike to pick up that thoughtfully written card, a shiny new piece of jewelry, or a bouquet of her favorite flowers. We’re urged to honor the extraordinary mothers and mother figures, as we should, for their sacrifices. For those moments, they pushed themselves just a bit hard to make our lives easier, or the way they show up for us day after day in ways we can’t even imagine. All this, while balancing a career, their personal goals, and other relationships. And while there are truly not enough words in any language that would properly pay homage to everything a woman encompasses in motherhood, there is another side to these outward and public celebrations: loss and grief.
Whether they have lost a mom or a child, Mother’s Day is bittersweet for many. In a conversation with Simone Burke-Cousins, Founder of Bereavement & Beyond, we learned some ways to celebrate and show up for those navigating the fine line between celebrating and lamenting what this weekend means. If you have someone in your circle navigating grief and loss, consider reaching out with a simple message or offering your presence—sometimes just listening can be a powerful way to support someone in grief.
“Grief and celebration can coexist, but neither should be forced,” says Burke-Cousins. “You don’t have to perform joy to make others comfortable. You are allowed to move through the day in a way that honors your capacity.”
Mother’s Day Is Personal. Here’s How to Honor It Your Way.Because grief is different for everyone, it’s important to remember this day will look different for everyone, too. Burke-Cousins explains that sometimes grief is carried silently, as can be the case for women who may have experienced miscarriages or pregnancy loss. For those navigating perinatal or child loss, this may also include recognizing your identity: that you are still a mother. Speaking their name, acknowledging “this mattered,” or allowing space for both love and grief to coexist can be deeply meaningful.
The most important thing to remember is that you have full permission to define how this day looks for you, whether you want to spend the day lounging about, participating in traditional celebrations, or just taking in a few moments of connection.
There are several things you can do to honor a mom or child who is no longer here, such as lighting a candle, writing a letter recalling special moments, going through a photo album, or visiting a meaningful place, Burke-Cousins shares. For others, she says they may choose to carry their loved one into the day more actively by cooking a favorite meal, listening to music that reminds them of that person, or sharing those fond stories of joy and happiness with others.
You Can’t Stop the Grief Wave — But You Can Learn to Move Through It
She suggests establishing a support or buddy system with a sibling, friend, or spouse that you can check in with or who can recognize when you’re becoming overwhelmed. Triggers from incessant celebratory posts on social media can compound this feeling. If you’re able, limit your time on apps or avoid them altogether on these days. Alternatively, you can use your app’s settings to mute certain content.
However, Burke-Cousins says that when something catches you off guard, a commercial for example, it can help to pause and acknowledge what you’re feeling, then gently redirect your attention. Despite how you feel, she encourages you to remember that you don’t have to push through or “get over it” in the moment. You can also use a grounding technique, such as engaging your senses (naming five things you can see, four you can touch, and three you can hear), which helps bring you back to the present moment.
Another way to prepare is to have prewritten or rehearsed responses for moments when you may feel a little pressure. As an example, she offers the following script: “I appreciate you thinking of me. I’m taking this day a little differently this year, so I may not be up for much, but I’m grateful for your understanding.”
Lastly, remember it’s okay to step away if you need to. There’s nothing wrong with taking a few minutes for yourself, going on a walk, or just breaking away from the crowd. Be gentle with yourself in these moments by making space for the complexity of your emotions. “You can feel happy for others and still feel sadness, longing, or even jealousy at the same time,” Burke-Cousins says. “Both can be true. Giving yourself grace in those moments can make it easier to move through them with a bit more care.”